All the Things My Mother Knows

So, I’ve decided that everything my mother said about dating was pretty much on:

“Why is he picking you up so late? He didn’t have time before 10pm?”
“Friday and Saturday should be date nights. If he’s not hanging out with you, who’s he hanging out with?”
“You shouldn’t be going out separately. He should be taking you out with him.”

Of course at the time, when I was dating some dude who was doing the aforementioned, I convinced myself that all those things were okay. Looking back now, I realize how much my mother was right. The problem was around the time I began to like someone, I started accepting less from them instead of more. As though if I had some sort of real expectation for them, they might disagree and leave. "Oh, you can't see me this Friday 'cause you're hanging out with your boys, oh, that's okay." "You're two hours late, but you know how traffic is on Speedway. Oh, yeah and you had to take your cousin some where. I understand." What I didn't understand was that by accepting this, I was allowing myself to be treated that way. And whomever I was dating at the time learned what I was willing to accept of them, and they met my low expectations. Ten years later I get what my mother was talking about. I've learned that I'm not okay with ANY of those scenarios. Having a high expectation shows not only your value for that person, but also for yourself. I'd like to say after all these years I've grown some real standards.

So, the bottom line, listen to your mother. She's saying it because she knows better and she knows you're worth more.

In response to #3d on the rules... what does it prove? Am I buying her heart?

Someone asked a GREAT question on facebook. What does paying for dinner prove? This is my response:

Okay, here’s the point with paying for dinner. It’s not about a free meal. I’d rather pay for a meal I eat by myself, than spend time with someone I have no interest in just because it’s on their dime. My general rule is a woman should always pay tip and be willing to contribute something. And she should always have her wallet on her.

The act shows he’s willing to invest more in you, and by invest, I mean time and attention. The reality of it is a man will not pay for a woman he doesn’t want to be bothered with. He will make sure he gives as little of himself as possible to keep her around. Not every man is like this, but from experience, many are.

I also know about dating when you’re not in a financially stable position. I’ve dated a man where we spent the night walking around our college campus and sitting on a bench talking and that was romantic. That said dates don’t have to be about spending money. If a man plans something special, that will come across whether or not he spends a dime. But as a general rule, the man who takes you to Mickey D’s and a movie and splits everything down the middle, it’s because he doesn’t think you are worth it. And that speaks volumes.

The Newly Updated Rules of Dating

OK, so the majority of us have an idea of what "dating" is. However, I think that the art of dating has somewhat degenerated from its former glory (presuming there was a former glory). After mulling over this topic with a few other "daters", I've decided to post a few rules for the dating population, to help turn around this sad, sad state of affairs.

1. Call me, don't text me. Simply, if you have two minutes to form coherent sentences on a phone, those two minutes could be spent actually asking me how my day was and hearing my voice. And if you don't like hearing my voice, that's probably the first problem.

2. There is no "hanging out". There is no "kicking it". Ask me out on a real date (explained in depth in #3) which does not consist of your couch and take out, unless you've managed to concoct a picnic and candles and were planning on making it, gasp, romantic. But really, first dates should NOT be at your place (if you have your own place).

3. Take me out on a REAL date. To clarify (since this probably NEEDS the most clarification):
a) Call me with a plan. Not, "Uh, I don't know, what do you think?" You have just lost points. Where, when. Take charge.
b) Pick me up. No, don't ask to meet me somewhere, are you kidding? Drive to my house, knock on the door (do NOT text or call me from your car), and open my door. Maybe this sounds like too much, but if you like me, it shouldn't be so hard to pull a door handle for 2 seconds of your life.
c) Take me out. It could be dinner. It could be dancing (NO, not a club). Be inventive. But go somewhere. IN PUBLIC. It's always nice to know you are not being hidden away.
d) Pay for dinner. Or whatever your "plan" happens to be. I know, I know, archaic as it sounds, and feminists everywhere are probably growling at me, but damn it, I should not have to be pulling out my wallet, and you should not be looking at me salty. It's only cute if I pay when we are both rich (i.e. think Tamia).
e) Take me home and walk me to the door. And don't look all dejected if you don't get inside the house. Take it from Janet, "Let's wait awhile".

4. Introduce me to people you care about. If you care about me and are trying to integrate me into your life, this should not be so hard. I doubt you have one friend and that just happens to be your roommate. If you like me, include me. If not, stop wasting both our valuable time.

5. The "honeymoon phase" should be the "honeymoon phase". Essentially, if you REALLY like me and are trying to win me over, shouldn't those first few months be great and happy and you not being able to get enough of hanging, talking, being around me? So, if the "honeymoon phase" is phone calls that go unanswered or days when we don't talk and that's supposed to be the BEST part of this, ummm, yeah, not so enticing.

So there are the first five to get all us "daters" started. Together, we CAN make a difference!

Enjoy, Annette