I give up.

So it’s that time of the year again, Lent, where I take my bad traits and try to the best of my ability, to clean my act up. When I was younger I gave up chocolate. A couple years ago it was shopping. Every once in a while I give up cussing, when every other word had become an expletive. This year I’m trying to focus on the positive. My disposition has never been such; I tend to lean toward moody and morose, so I figured, what the hay! My list this year: no complaining, no worrying, and writing 5 things I am grateful for each day. I’m sure talking about how hard this is, is a form of complaining. And that statement probably doesn’t help matters. I never realized how much I complained and worried until I gave it up. Yesterday it became so apparent that I stopped talking. It was the only way I’d make it through the day. I also hadn’t realized how much I worried. So much so that even with headache medication I got a horrid headache on Saturday…too much stuff in my head, nowhere for it to go. It just brings to my attention that maybe I really should stay quiet; that whole, “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything.” Though giving up talking wasn’t part of the plan. And I’m sure complaining in my head is a form of cheating. I sat down last night to write five things I was grateful for and came up with four. Then took the next five minutes to go over my day minute by minute to find that fifth piece of gratitude. I’m struggling. Though the fact that I’m struggling is probably a good reason that this is exactly what I need to be doing. Maybe one day I’ll be one of those cheerful, smiling people that others just are attracted to, my positive nature just drawing people to me. Well, I’m not that much of a people person, so maybe not drawing everyone. I am hoping that this experience makes me appreciate things more, notice the good stuff, and maybe spread a little happiness. If I manage only to not feed more complaints into a world already inundated with negativity, this will be worthwhile. And more focus on God than myself is always a good thing.